Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
by Jedi Ani Unduli
Summary: How do you deal when events you prayed would never happen again are unfolding before your eyes? What can you do when memories and emotions are too strong to handle? If you read my bio, you know my worldview on this. But this is not me. This is about those brave Jedi standing between the Republic and the evil that would see it brought down, facing horrors no one should have to face.


_Rewatching episodes really makes you realize new things. I saw S. 2 Ep. 6 "Weapons Factory," and suddenly I realized something. All Jedi who survived Geonosis had some form of PTSD. Coming back to Geonosis a second time probably brought those memories back full force. How does this affect the Jedi coming back? For the purposes of this chapter, I will focus on Luminara and Barriss, as well as add what I think happened to precipitate their actions before the next two episodes._

_Disclaimer: You know it, I know it, so why do I bother typing it?_

Her master was tense. She could sense it. Honestly, she didn't blame her, not after what they went through on that planet. Good friends were lost that day, despite gaining a key, strategic planet, and they had come close to losing each other. Too close. She wouldn't be surprised if her master sensed the raw tension and fear bursting within her.

Upon her return, she had found out that her master had been asked to see a mind healer, but refused (when she later asked why, her master just shrugged and said, "We have a new duty now."). She had been asked to see one too, but their new duty, as generals of this war, was to lead, and especially at the beginning, there were few breaks (Ilum didn't count), and wounds only had time to scar, never to heal.

As a healer, she knew her master and she needed to come to terms with the pain inflicted on them at the very beginning, especially since they now were at that source. As a commander, she had to prepare for the upcoming skirmish.

* * *

><p>Luminara knew the clones were getting edgy. All had either known about the role Geonosis had played in starting the Clone Wars, or had played a role in extracting the Jedi from the arena. She knew her padawan, Barriss, sensed her worry and frustration, and even Commander Gree knew something was up.<p>

Getting ready for battle was no easy task. Preparing for battle on a world that they had barely escaped from intact brought back painful memories. If she was honest with herself, she had never gone to see the mind healer after Geonosis because of the intensity of the grief and pain that she had felt thinking Barriss was dead (and later guilt seeing her alive and knowing her emotions clouded her connection to her padawan). She knew that mind healers, whether intentional or not, would judge her for her emotions and clouded judgment, and then somehow that piece of news would end up being spread around the Temple, and that was something her pride and stubbornness refused to stand. Most Jedi she knew either confided to their friends, Masters, Padawans, or love interests (she was not blind; she just knew the value of discretion) never went to the mind healers anyway, not unless ordered to. Being ordered to command a clone army on the front lines of war ended up being more important than getting analyzed by a shrink any day.

"General Unduli." Gree came up to her, causing her to pause in her ruminations. "We got the word from Coruscant. The briefing is about to begin."

"Thank you, Commander," she replied, giving him a brief nod of her head. "Let's get going." Her lips quirked upwards. "We already know who is going to be late, so let's not take that from them."

* * *

><p>Barriss studied the hologram of the Geonosian catacombs, pausing only to wipe at her eyes. She had been studying it for the past four hours. The meeting was most likely over with by now. A couple hours before the meeting started, her master had come to meet with her. She could see concern for her reflected in her eyes, but talk was focused on the task before them. It always was.<p>

She knew Geonosian catacombs like the back of her hand. That had been her means of escape during the Battle of Geonosis, along with several other Jedi. It had been mostly luck and thanks to the Force that they had emerged from the catacombs a day later, relatively unhurt but tired and on edge. Upon seeing her master's shock at her being alive, and sensing a tinge of guilt (before being swallowed up by her master's impressive shields), she had never felt gladder to prove her master wrong. They had settled back into their roles with considerable ease, with her master giving her much more say in decision-making matters, especially when they were given their assignments. Every time they talked, face-to-face, it seemed Master Luminara wanted, maybe even needed to say something, but it always was bypassed in favor of their new work as generals.

Skywalker had never been gladder to see her. Since Ansion, they had become really good friends, although with him you could never be too sure just how he saw friendship. She knew he respected her abilities, as she did his, and knew they both would enjoy working with each other once again. Besides her master, he was the only one who knew what she went through down in those catacombs. In turn, she heard what happened with him, Master Kenobi, and Senator Amidala in the arena, but she suspected he was leaving out some parts, especially when it came to the senator. Well, if he did have a secret relationship with her, maybe it would help smooth a little of that edginess off of him. She knew they both had trouble sleeping through a whole night because of what transpired on that accursed planet. Any respite was welcome. Which, in her case, wouldn't be for a while yet.

She returned her attention to the map. Her knowledge had to be 100% accurate for all 200 junctions if this mission was to succeed.

* * *

><p>Luminara kept glancing at her padawan as they gave their briefing, as in sync as ever. She noticed her padawan's smiles and reassuring looks sent to still her fears. She let herself relax in that. Her memories were kept at bay due to excellent mental control on her part, and so far the mission was going as planned with a few hiccups, some not so minor. This mission should be easy.<p>

"You always were thorough."

Even as she replied, she hoped that she had been thorough enough to ensure the padawans met with success. She wanted just as much as Skywalker did to keep her padawan alive and at her side, which was evident by his outburst at her suggestion regarding the padawans' role in the upcoming attack. While she thought her padawan was dead, she had been bombarded with seemingly empty Jedi platitudes, all trying to get her focused on the future and not what she had lost. When Barriss was returned to her, she had realized that her emotions may have gotten the better of her, but her pain was no less real. Struggles with that realization had to be put aside with every battle, especially ones like this where her padawan was venturing off without her.

Watching the two padawans run off to begin their part of the mission, she sensed Skywalker's mental anguish. Those two never really had to work apart from each other on the front lines, or if they did, Ahsoka usually was never in as much danger.

"You feel Ahsoka is not up to the task?"

"I never said that."

"What is it then?" She wanted to help him trust Ahsoka's abilities. She had witnessed firsthand how reliable and quick-witted the young one was. As a master, she also knew that trusting your own apprentice on his or her own with their first dangerous mission was most difficult to overcome. Upon his rebuff, she decided to let it go at the moment in favor of preparing the men. Later, after the mission perhaps, she could help him not be so overprotective of his padawan (though, after Jabiim, she couldn't really blame him, and especially after Geonosis; she was not one to talk). He was one to learn by experience though, and experience, as she knew, was a harsh teacher at times.

* * *

><p>Barriss liked Ahsoka. Not just being another female padawan, but also because her style complimented her own. Plus, it gave her something good to focus on, instead of the surging memories that often came back as nightmares in the dark hours. She knew Master Luminara had them too; she'd always have tea hot and ready on the stove in the kitchen every night. They'd see each other, grab a cup, and sit next to each other. Barriss would lean her head on her master's shoulder, feeling her and the older woman relax at the contact. It made them both realize they were alive.<p>

Now, being at a dead end in the catacombs, it reinforced those memories of trying (and sometimes failing) to slip past the Geonosians, getting turned around and confused, and being stuck in dead ends, all while being exhausted physically and mentally and not knowing how many others were still alive, if at all. She could tell even without the Force Ahsoka was irritated and a little panicky, with good reason.

"You do remember the way, don't you?"

"Of course I do." She brightened as she figured it out.

"It's not left; it's up. It's this way." Jumping up the tube, with Ahsoka following behind. This mission was going well as planned, so far. With any luck, they would be able to complete it and get out undetected.

* * *

><p>"Green light. The bombs are active!"<p>

"The padawans did it!" Luminara felt relief, even as the supertanks rolled across the bridge. Both young women would be safe soon.

"And just in time!" They returned their attention to the problem at hand. How to destroy those new toys?

* * *

><p>Barriss felt panic as the bugs flew away and down the tube with the bombs. What was she going to do now? They hadn't had room for anything else, since they had to travel light. What could they use now?<p>

She looked back at the tank, now circling to finish Ahsoka and her off. Her brow furrowed as she took in the still body of her friend. The tank grew closer. Inside, she knew, the droids would be preparing to fire.

Anger surged within her. She bared her teeth at the tinnies. They would live! _I lost too many friends here_, she thought. _I _willnot_ lose her too! Even if we have to try again later, I'd rather that than losing another friend. How many more will you take?!_

She ignited her lightsaber and flew at the tank.

* * *

><p>Upon destruction of the bridge, Anakin and Luminara waited eagerly for word that their padawans made it out safely. Luminara felt Skywalker's agitation and shared it; both had memories of the carnage that took place here, and it was all too easy to project that onto the mission taking place now. She met his anxiety with calmness (always her shield), and a gentle smile.<p>

"My padawan will not fail." _And neither will yours_, she implied. She knew that didn't calm him (it didn't for her, not until she could see Barriss safe and sound in front of her), but the distraction the droids provided coming out of the yawning gate was proving most useful.

* * *

><p>She was finding out more and more that aggression was what was needed on the battlefield. Once again, that idea was proven right. Once again, a friend was saved from certain death.<p>

"I don't know what to do, without the bombs." Barriss felt terrible. Once again, events from last time were unfolding in their grisly sequence. Last time, the friend whose life she saved by going into the building and then the catacombs ended up perishing because they had run out of ideas and resources. Damn bugs! Part of her hated that she felt that way, but if it weren't for the bugs and Dooku this war wouldn't have started and friends wouldn't have died.

Upon hearing Ahsoka out, she agreed. "I guess that's our only choice." That had been her friend's words only months ago. Through her actions, the rest of the group had been saved. Now, in the same situation, she was glad that if Ahsoka was going out, she was going out with her. No more surviving friends.

* * *

><p>Luminara could only watch in horror as the factory exploded, the shockwave and flying debris wreaking havoc every which direction. She had heard Skywalker's short conversation with Ahsoka over the comlink, had heard the devastating news. Now, though, she had to believe it.<p>

Once the destruction of the weapons factory subsided, she faintly heard Skywalker's attempts to raise Ahsoka on his comlink. Emotions and memories swirled around inside, raw, unchecked. Now, though, she could feel her padawan's Force signature steadily fading away. She knelt to the sandy ground, almost overcome by it all. _Not again; this wasn't supposed to happen again – _

"Master Luminara, don't worry!" Skywalker was trying to comfort her, she knew. Perhaps now she should say something, anything to make them both realize reality. Neither padawan would be coming back to them.

"Be at ease, Skywalker." At his protests, she furthered, "There's not enough time. I sense them drifting away." Watching his determined and frantic actions with his clone commander and selected clones, part of her warred with the other part to help him, instead of standing by (again) while the two that would be closest things they'd ever have to children were slowing but steadily being overcome by death below them… somewhere down there.

What she had to say could wait. Besides, there was still yet time. She clung to that fiercely, knowing that once her padawan was gone, her grief would be twice as bad as the first time, doubled only by seeing the body. No Master should have to outlive her padawan.

* * *

><p>Barriss passed the power cell to Ahsoka, marveling at the fact that the tank kept them both alive. For now. Hopefully, Ahsoka's project would meet with success. She didn't need the Force to know that her friend and she were close to death.<p>

"Whatever it is you're doing, I hope it works cause, I'd sure rather have died up there than starve to death down here."

"Don't worry, we'll run out of air long before we starve."

"That's a comforting thought. Thanks." Watching her friend at work on the comlink, she hoped it would succeed. She didn't want to see another friend die right before her eyes.

* * *

><p>"You misjudge me. I too care for my padawan, but if their time has come." She paused, taking in Skywalker's comments. Was she wrong in what she was saying? She knew that her emotions were wreaking havoc with her judgment right now (otherwise, she'd be more willing in the search), but this time she felt completely overwhelmed by them. Fear and guilt both had her in its unyielding grip yet again, but this time, she didn't know how to fight them. Those emotions had come the first time she realized she could very well outlive her padawan, and now it was back twice as strong.<p>

Almost losing her padawan in war had forced her to realize that it wasn't always wrong to show love and affection to her (any day she could lose her for good), forced her to realize that any day could be her last, and fighting for survival wasn't always wrong. However, almost losing her padawan had also forced her to realize that one day, her padawan could die, and she would have to let her go (while celebrating her memory and what she left behind). She knew she wouldn't take it well, but it would come with time. Especially after this, to survive the carnage in the arena only to die on the same planet not even a year later under too-similar circumstances… she was privately amazed that she could still keep talking.

"Well, I still plan on celebrating this victory with my padawan, in _person_." _As do I_, she thought, but didn't say. She didn't want to raise false hope. That had been done to her, and grief only hit the harder after hopes had been ruthlessly dashed.

* * *

><p>"What happens to us now doesn't matter. By destroying this factory, we've saved countless lives elsewhere." She could sense Ahsoka's determination, and admired her for it. Part of her was glad Ahsoka had never experienced the bloodbath that was the first Battle of Geonosis.<p>

"Well, I'm about to save two more." Barriss adjusted the light so Ahsoka could still see clearly. It sounded like it was working, judging by the sparks.

Anakin couldn't be happier to hear those pulses over his comlink. His padawan was still alive, and probably Barriss too! He could tell Luminara was excited as well, judging by her swiftness in joining him. He was never happier than now to be proven right. Sympathy he did feel for Luminara, though it warred with frustration and agitation.

After searching for Barriss in the arena, she had been persuaded to give it up, looking at the facts: some Jedi bodies would never be found, and her link through the Force to her padawan was silent on her padawan's whereabouts. He felt her grief as keenly as she had, and so much their joy and subsequent guilt upon Barriss's return to them. Maybe he could later appreciate how she wasn't trying to raise false hopes, but now all he could focus on was that their padawans weren't dead and she was just standing there frozen and looking way too pale.

* * *

><p>The two girls gripped hands. Air was running out, fast, but they weren't going out alone. They would get through this, together.<p>

* * *

><p>Luminara helped Anakin raise the piece of debris and fling it away. Syncing his unbridled determination with her renewed strength, they made fast work of that. Hearing those two coughing and seeing them come out in one piece made Luminara happier than her pride would ever let her admit. As they came up, after her brief interchange with Skywalker, she knew she should take him aside later. Anakin deserved the truth. By the look on his face when she agreed with Barriss's observation and complimented Ahsoka, he was pleasantly surprised. Probably thought he'd get another lecture.<p>

As the two padawans made their way towards the gunships to get bacta and rest (admonished well by both masters), she stopped him by a hand on his shoulder from following them. "Skywalker? A moment, if you please." She waited until the others were well out of earshot, and then began. "Skywalker, I know I don't say this, often enough by your standards, according to Master Kenobi, but thank you." He covered up his look of surprise (again, twice in one day; maybe she should get a medal for that) with a smile and witty remark.

"My pleasure, Master Luminara. Maybe next time you could surprise me by leading rescue mission?" Her eyes lowered, a pang of pain piercing through her shields again (getting thinner by the day, thanks to the war).

"Hopefully next time we won't need to rescue them," she stated quietly.

"Because by then they'll be dead already?" he shot at her angrily.

"Because they'll have survived and come out in one piece," she shot back, equally angry. "Anakin – " he looked shocked at the use of his first name, definitely not something she did very often – "you didn't know up until now what it's like to lose – in our case, almost lose a padawan." She met his piercing gaze. "I have felt both, Anakin, and they are not things I'd wish on anybody, least of all you. Oh, I know you mourned with me when we thought Barriss was dead, but she was a friend of yours, Anakin, _not_ your padawan." She turned slightly to look at the gunships carrying their exhausted padawans away for a good rest.

"Coming back to Geonosis was tough, Anakin, and I know it was the same for you. We've lost friends here, good friends, and time will never erase that. I thought I lost my padawan here before, but she was returned to me. It forced me to realize, though, that eventually I will have to let her go – either as a Knight or to the Force."

"But you gave up too quickly this time," Anakin countered grimly. "Last time, you were more willing to search."

"I know," she acknowledged. "And that was my mistake." She sighed. "After that message came through, after the factory blew up, I was… overwhelmed by feelings and emotions from the first time we came here, from when I thought Barriss was dead. Memories, events, and senses overlapped to the point where I could not think clearly. I was overwhelmed by fear and guilt, not thinking clearly, and I apologize for that." She blew out a breath, taking a moment to steady her still-heaving emotions, then faced him once more. He stood seemingly in shock. She didn't blame him. It was not every day déjà vu played cruel tricks with past trauma. She had always dealt with it by ignoring it. Now, she realized she could no longer, in good conscience, put off discussing it with Barriss. From what she had sensed upon reuniting with her padawan, past and present, she had the same emotions. Upon locating Poggle, she would sit her padawan down and have this same discussion, albeit a little more nicely.

"I will still stick by what I said earlier, though. How we mourn is what separates us from other beings, Anakin; it gives meaning to both death and life. However, it doesn't mean we lose sight of protecting the still living, no matter how close to death or how hidden they are, and I lost sight of that, Anakin." She maintained contact. "I thank you for helping me regain that and I hope you can forgive me for my lapse in judgment." Silence came over the pair as Anakin continued to stare at her. He then held out his hand to her. She took it, and they shook.

"I'm sorry too," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to imply you didn't care about her. I was there when you grieved the first time. I know I didn't understand it completely then, but I know I do now. I just…" He shook his head in frustration. She sensed that this turmoil he carried about him was about something recent, something that was still raw within him, but she couldn't help him unless he wanted to talk about it. "I know what you mean. I think that's what influences me sometimes. I guessed that's what you sensed earlier after the padawans left." He smiled, albeit sheepishly. "Yeah. I'm not good at this, sorry."

"You're forgiven, Anakin. I know this hasn't been easy on you either, for the same reasons" She sighed. "Unfortunately, this is something only the end of the war can start to heal." He nodded, a haunted look on his face.

"The sooner the better." Luminara knew that the nightmares she had never left him either, like the thousands of other Jedi serving now, and they never left one's thoughts or emotions alone either. She could see that clearly now. She hoped they both would remember this as they continued to fight in the Clone Wars. The worst enemy always dwelled within, and could never completely be vanquished.

"Indeed." She saw a gunship with Master Kenobi fly overhead. "I need to talk to Master Kenobi about Poggle. I believe I can trust you to check up on our padawans." They smiled at each other.

"I believe I can. I guess I'll see you when you come back, Master Luminara." They walked back together towards the landing zone when she added, "You know, you don't have to call me that." He looked puzzled.

"What do you mean?"

"My friends call me Luminara." It took a minute for it to click, but once it did, she saw a grin form on his face.

For once, he had no comeback to that.

* * *

><p>Awake and in the medbay, Ahsoka turned to stare curiously at Barriss, who was also plastered with bacta and bandages at odd places. "May I ask you a question?"<p>

"You already did," Barriss chuckled lightly, eyes closed, "but yes."

"Why were you so willing to give up down there?" Behind her eyes, memories flashed, dust assailed her nostrils yet again, and the sounds of battle permeated her ears. She swallowed that plus the renewed guilt and anger at herself back to look at Ahsoka. If her friend could find strength to overcome what seemed like certain death, she could do the same for the fear and anger that overpowered her today. Maybe it was time to tell another person about the first Battle of Geonosis, this friend of hers who lay across from her, injured and weary, who earned the right through the same trial she went through.

Ignoring the pain, she sat up and turned to face her newfound friend. "What do you know about the first Battle of Geonosis?"

"It was terrible, and we lost good Jedi there," Ahsoka said quietly. "That's about it. Were you there?" At her nod, Ahsoka sat up quick and took her hands in hers. "Wow. I'm sorry, Barriss. I bet it was rough."

"You don't know the half of it." She smiled, comforted by the physical touch. It was reassuring to know they were doing it out of support yet again, this time for recounting horrifying events instead of living and (almost dying) through them.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Touched by her hesitation, Barriss went silent for a moment. Then:

"I do. Trust me." Ahsoka's lips formed a half smile, no doubt remembering what they just went through. Barriss smiled back and began.

"A good friend of mine, Chankar Kim, a female Jedi Master, was cornered by droidekas and bugs near the entrance to the inside of the building almost right after the fighting began. I saw her predicament, and I went to help her, while Knight Fi-Ek Sirch guarded our backs. Unfortunately, the sheer number of droids and few bugs that stayed behind to fight quickly extended the time from minutes to hours. That was when we realized this wouldn't be a simple extraction mission, and then things took a turn for the worse. We saw a Jedi on the third level needing help, and due to the number of droids Force-jumping could have been fatal, so Kim and I rushed through the entrance inside the building to lend a hand…"


End file.
